


-press

by wunkind (guysinmyhead)



Series: Negative Degrees [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Cheating, Divorce, Emotional Abuse, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Separation, Violence, all that terrible stuff, lying, seclusion, threats of divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-30 02:24:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17820011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guysinmyhead/pseuds/wunkind
Summary: Victor Nikiforov-Katsuki Apology Letter Revealed“How did they get this?”  Yuuri’s voice cracked.





	1. Chapter 1

_“What’s this about divorce?” Yuuri hushed his mother almost immediately. Viktor couldn’t speak Japanese, but he didn’t want his whole family arguing with him in front of his husband._

 

_Husband._

 

_Not ex._

 

 _Yuuri chanted it to himself mentally, reminding himself how hard they were working. How hard_ he _was working._

 

_“Hello, mom,”He smiled, even if it was a little forced.Viktor looked up from where he sat on the couch.It was strange, having him in the apartment again. Now the Olympics were over and they were home in St. Petersburg they had moved in together._

 

_Again._

 

_In hindsight, he should be thankful his mother had missed the tabloid train wreck his life had become until after the Olympics. Or maybe she had willingly waited until after so as not to put more stress on him._

 

_That would be like her, like how she had been against Mari telling him the trust about Vicchan._

 

_“Victor and I are just recovering from the jet lag, taking it easy today.”He took the moment to cross the room and rest against the man in question, taking his own spot on the couch. “How is the Inn?”_

 

_“He put you in the hospital.”Her tone of voice, though she was still speaking Japanese and refusing to cooperate, was bright and cheery in stark contrast to her topic of choice._

 

_“I’m feeling a lot better,”Yuuri told her.“Olympic training is just really intense, especially with Yakov choosing to step in—“_

 

_“Hello, mama.”Viktor called gently into the phone._

 

_“Hello, Vicchan,”Finally English!Bless the Heavens.“How are you feeling?”_

 

_“A lot more myself.”_

 

_“That’s good, that’s good.”She hummed.“Ok.I call back later.Enjoy your rest.”_

 

_“Thanks, mom.”_

 

_The line went dead._

 

_“She hates me.”Viktor’s body was tense even if his tone of voice didn’t change.“She absolutely hates me.”_

 

_“She doesn’t.”Yuuri soothed._

 

_“She does.She’s not going to understand, she’s—“_

 

_“Viktor, Vitya,”Yuuri sighed, catching him under the chin and turning his husband’s gaze to meet his. “She’s my mother.She worries.That’s normal and it’s fine.I will talk to her.”_

 

_“What if she makes you leave me?”He snapped._

 

_“I’m an adult, Vitya,”Yuuri sighed. “She can’t make my decisions for me.”_

 

Yuuri woke up a few weeks after the closing ceremonies to missed calls from his best friend.Unfortunately, St. Petersburg ran behind Bangkok, so he often missed Phichit’s morning jog calls.

 

The bed was cold, Viktor had probably gone to therapy, then. It was a Tuesday.Part of their decision to stay together had required Viktor see a therapist.If the reason he’d cheated was genuine, Yuuri was willing to forgive and forget, so long as he talked through those issues. 

 

“Are you dropping out of World’s?”Phichit asked after only one ring.

 

“It’s an Olympic year.”Yuuri sighed, laying back against the pillows again. “Yes.”

 

“Is it because of the divorce?” 

 

“We aren’t getting divorced!”Yuuri snapped. “He’s at therapy right now, Phichit, we’re working through it!”

 

There was silence. 

 

“Yuuri, I didn’t bring it up at the Olympics because I didn’t want someone to catch wind of it.Also, your _asshole_ —that’s what he is, don’t you dare protest—of a ‘husband’ was with you every waking moment—“

 

“Phichit, you know he’s my coach.”

 

“Fuck that. _Fuck that._ ”His best friend spat. “Who was there on the phone with you every night when you couldn’t sleep after what he did for you?I know you wanted to drop the charges so he could go with you and not be stuck as a criminal in the motherland, but you can’t just let him get away with that.Once a cheater, always a cheater—“

 

Yuuri wanted to bury himself under the covers.He didn’t want to deal with this today. He felt like they’d been making good progress, even if he got angry looks from Yuri on the daily and even when Yakov and Lilia pulled him aside and insisted on him talking about his feelings.The older, _divorced_ couple kept checking in with them, inviting Viktor and Yuuri to dinner or a ballet.It was like no one trusted them alone anymore.

 

Makka whined at his obvious distress, hopping up onto the bed to rest on Yuuri’s chest. 

 

“He’s going to therapy, ok?”Yuuri pinched the bridge of his nose. 

 

“Therapy?!How the fuck is that going to castrate him?”

 

“Castrate— _Phichit!_ He was in a bad place!”

 

“We’ve talked about this, Yuuri!Getting dicked down by a horny and desperate hockey player who _also cheated on his wife, let’s remember_ is not a bad place!That’s not a bad place, that’s being pounded by a hockey player. We’ve _both_ been there.That is not a bad place to be.And you know what? If his closeted ass was a shitty fuck, that’s Viktor’s own damn fault.”

 

“Phichit, why are you so angry?”Yuuri’s voice rose and Makka, sensing the greater panic in her owner’s voice licked at his face, hoping to cheer him up.

 

“Why am I—Yuuri, you paid a lawyer to write up your divorce papers!You were separated!I thought you just said you wouldn’t go through with it because of the Olympics. I thought you wanted to shift the focus!How was I supposed to know you were falling for his absolutely bullshit excuse!”

 

“He felt irrelevant and sad—“

 

“You know what else is irrelevant and sad?The whole of my country. The whole of Thailand is totally irrelevant and sad.And you know what?It’s not out fucking other married people just because they know it’s name!”Phichit sounded absolutely murderous and his best friend shrank away from the phone with a wince.He let himself wrap an arm around the dog in his lap.

 

“You know what?Fuck it.Let’s move on.I got a phone call from a Russian hospital because I guess I’m still your emergency contact, given they couldn’t call your husband.I got a call and it took them twenty minutes to tell me you weren’t dead because they couldn’t find someone to speak English well enough to tell me Viktor Nikiforov took a huge chunk out of your arm.” 

 

Yuuri let him rant. It would be over sooner if he didn’t argue his own points.No one believed him anymore.No one understood why he was still here and he was sick of being judged for it. He was an _adult_ and he was capable of making his own decisions on the matter. 

 

They said goodbye almost an hour later, just as Viktor was walking through the door.

 

“How was it today?”

 

Viktor looked so put together after therapy. When Yuuri came home from his own doctor, he always felt a mess.Although, he hadn’t been back since the Olympics. His doctor had been upset with his decision to stay with his husband and he no longer felt it was a safe space to discuss his mental health.

 

“Ok.We talked about intrusive thoughts.”Viktor shrugged. “And how I should be more aware of my own impulsivity so I don’t act on them all the time.”

 

“That’s good, right?”Yuuri gave him a little peck on the lips as encouragement.

 

“She thinks that’s what cheating was.An intrusive thought.”Viktor had come so far already in just the last six weeks, Yuuri reminded himself. The fact he was so blasé about this didn’t necessarily mean anything. Three sessions a week, maybe he was just tired out by the intensive track he was on. 

 

“Was it?”

 

“I didn’t premeditate it.”His husband told him and Yuuri very much felt like he was being honest. “I didn’t say ‘I want to cheat on the love of my life’ and then go out and do it.”

 

Yuuri gave him another gentle kiss.

 

“She doesn’t like me, Yuuri.”He said. Yuuri let him wrap his arms around him and pull them close enough for Viktor to nuzzle his hair.

 

To be fair, she _had_ met Viktor after his transformation into a cheating bastard.

 

“I don’t want to go anymore.”Viktor pouted childishly.“She told me I would only have to be in three times a week for the first week.”

 

“Ok…ok, we can figure something out.”Yuuri soothed with a soft smile that he hoped didn’t show his fraying nerves.

 

_“You told a reported from TMZ that Yuuri was kicking the shit out of your dog, brainless bastard.”Yuuri could hear Yuri’s shout from the elevator landing. He turned to see the blonde red in the face and bristled like a cat.“How do you show your face here again when you destroyed him?You’re just like my fucking mother.She told them my dad abused me, too.Would you have done that if Makka was a child?Would you have lied to gain custody of someone you don’t deserve to—“_

 

_“Yuratchka,”Yuuri cut the argument short with just one name._

 

_“Why is he here, Katsudon?Yakov is looking for you.Do you have your band for ticketed warmup? Because the officials wouldn’t give it to him.”_

 

_“Viktor has it.”Yuuri pinched the bridge of his nose, preparing for an explosion._

 

_None came._

 

_“What?”_

 

_“My coach has it.”_

 

_“Like fuck he’s your coach…” Yuri looked up at him and Yuuri felt like he’d slapped the boy in the face, the expression on his face. “You’re not serious? You said…you…yesterday!Yesterday you went to…”_

 

_“We aren’t getting divorced and he’s still my coach.”Yuuri explained softly._

 

_The younger skater looked so absolutely betrayed. Yuuri’s heart went out to him, even knowing that it was his own fault._

 

 _“He_ hurt _you.”_

 

_“It was an accident.”Viktor answered for him.“I was acting impulsively out of anger—“_

 

_“Who the fuck rips into someone with their teeth just because they’re angry?Fuck off, loser.You fuck him over again and I’ll—I’ll report you myself.”_

 

_He spun and stormed down the hallway._

 

“Where did you get that?”Yuuri startled, spinning around to face a suspicious Yuri.His eyes were narrowed as they honed in on a bruise visible on Yuuri’s own hip while he changed. 

 

“Fell yesterday.”

 

“You promise me, piggy.”Yuri snapped at him seriously. “If he lays a finger on you.You promise me you’ll tell someone.”

 

The sentiment was sweet, but it was things like this that were genuinely making Yuuri feel less and less like talking to people.Even Chris had called in outrage that Yuuri had done absolutely nothing in retaliation. Apparently, he was a little more forgiving as Viktor was his best friend, but still couldn’t believe Yuuri would just stay with absolutely no word of repercussion.

 

“It’s my choice, Yuri.”Yuuri reminded gently.“If something happens, it’s not your burden to bear.”

 

“If something happens, I’ll kill him myself. Your sister and hamster boy can help bury the body. Yakov knows people in the police. We’d be fine, this country lets you get away with anything if you pay enough.”

 

Without even thinking about it, Yuuri enveloped the younger man in a hug. He wasn’t going to cry, but heaven help him because he was close.

 

_“Yuuri, I have some very unflattering images of a certain he-who-must-not-be-named,”Chris drawled, almost sensually.“Just say the word, sweetheart. Some have him caught with his pants down.”_

 

_“I’m not posting revenge porn.”Yuuri snapped.“Leave him alone, he made a mistake.”_

 

_Chris looked him over, as if judging him. He was still holding out a flash drive._

 

_“He’s my best friend.”Chris said seriously and Yuuri opened his mouth to reassure him of his intentions.“He’s my best friend, but this isn’t me testing you.You’re my friend, too.If he fucks up, you let me beat some sense into him.”_

 

“I’m so sorry.”He said that a lot these days.Normally, he was apologizing for something he’d already done in the past, like cheating or for the hospital visit.This time was for something a little more recent.

 

Victor Nikiforov-Katsuki Apology Letter Revealed

 

“How did they get this?”Yuuri’s voice cracked. It was word-for-word a very detailed and private letter Viktor had written for him in therapy. Everything he’d ever done was in that letter, including things the press and their friends hadn’t heard.It included the false accusations of animal abuse, which Yuuri was ok with being seen.It also included an account of his affair, of every time he’d thought of doing something to hurt Yuuri. It included an impulsive episode of Viktor talking himself out of going Tonya Harding on him in a fit of jealousy.

 

None of these things were something a husband wanted to hear, but Viktor was learning to express himself and control these intrusive, violent swings and Yuuri had come to terms with the letter knowing that.

 

“How did they get this?”

 

“I didn’t give it to them.”But Yuuri hadn’t either, and no one got it from the trash. The original was in his bedside table for safe keeping.Viktor had reiterated his marriage vows in it, Yuuri wanted to save it for sake of pettiness.

 

“Your therapist then?”Yuuri hesitated.“Did she have a copy?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Viktor stopped going to therapy.

 

_“This is ridiculous.In that letter he admitted to wanting to hurt you out of jealousy.You can’t stay with him. I don’t trust him.”_

 

_“He also confessed to lying about me beating Makka and to me also having cheated.”Though, the latter was an accusation that had never made its way back to Yuuri’s own ears._

 

_“You need to get out of that apartment.”Phichit snapped. “Right now.You can’t stay there.I don’t trust him.”_

 

_Yuuri blocked his number._


	2. Chapter 2

_Yuuri’s phone had been silent for what felt like years. He’d long since turned off notifications.The number on his messaging apps had been triggering his anxiety, so eventually he just muted that feature, too._

 

_Viktor was the only person on his favourites list right now with the power to get through the Do Not Disturb. Anyone else who’d figured it out had been blocked._

 

_“Mmmm, did you see the photo of Mechta I posted?”They’d gotten a new puppy together, what with Makka growing old and everything. It had seemed a good idea, too, a way to move on from everything these past few months together._

 

_“Oh…no.I deleted Instagram…”. Yuuri admitted.Viktor had actually been the one to suggest that solution, since Yuuri had been getting so upset about it.He came over to rest his chin on his husband’s shoulder for a better look._

 

_Viktor showed him happily.The puppy was chewing on one of Viktor’s slippers, looking oh-so-innocently at the camera.Yuuri smiled at the image and kissed Viktor’s cheek._

 

_“I’m glad he’s settling in finally.”_

 

“You can’t ignore me forever.” Yuri’s voice echoed in the otherwise empty rink. It was well past bedtime, but Yuuri had been unable to sleep and Yakov had been too willing to provide a key after the violence incident nearly six months prior.

 

“How did you know I’d be here?”Yuuri stood his ground in the center of the ice, thankful that Yuri didn’t seem to have skates with him.

 

“I close up sometimes after the kids’ lessons.”Yuri jingled his own set of keys. It was difficult to remember how much growing up the younger had been doing. He was teaching children’s lessons in the off-season to make pocket cash and keep him afloat. “It also means I have access to live view security footage.”

 

So he’d been on the lookout for him, then.

 

“You blocked my number.”The younger stared out at him, a look of hurt on his face.“And you haven’t been here. I can’t talk to you anymore.”

 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”Yuuri assured gently.“It just…everything was about Viktor and ‘why don’t you leave him’ and it was too much.”

 

“You didn’t come to my birthday in March.”Yuri stopped him. “And then I thought you’d be in Stars with us, but you didn’t show up—“

 

“Viktor suggested I take it easy, I…Yuri, I think I’m retiring.We’ll see how this season pans out, but I’m not exactly young anymore...“

 

Silence. 

 

It went on for too long, stretched to its limits. Yuuri was suddenly aware of the chill now that he wasn’t moving at all.

 

“You didn’t say anything.”

 

“I think I need to.I think it’s time—“

 

“Shut the fuck up!”Yuri snapped at him. “You didn’t tell any of us! When did you make that decision? When the fuck were we going to find out?How do you even…is this his fault?”

 

“Yuri, I’m twenty-seven.I’ll turn twenty-eight in the middle of the next season. I just had another Olympics, I’m tired.I want to move on. And Viktor—“

 

That was the wrong thing to say.

 

“Fuck him!Seriously! Fuck what Viktor thinks! He’s just jealous!If this is because of what he said, you can leave him. I—I know you can!I won’t think any less of you for it, you can’t live someplace with someone who admits to wanting to _hurt_ you.”

 

“Yuri, him saying he’s in passing thought about giving me a career-ending injury isn’t why I’m retiring.”Yuuri said, more firmly this time.“It’s because I’m ready to start something new. My body is telling me it’s done. Maybe this is what we need, anyways. He needs someone to love him as who he is, right?Maybe losing some of the spotlight that comes with actively competing will help him settle down.”

 

Yuri opened his mouth and closed it. He knew the older skater wasn’t going to hear himself, to listen to the words coming out of his own mouth.

 

And—as his grandfather, Yakov, and Lilia had all reminded him—the more he pushed his point, the more Yuuri would push him away.

 

“Whatever.Just fucking talk to me.I…miss you.”

 

_“Answer your sister’s calls,”Takeshi said, as soon as Yuuri picked up.“I’m getting in trouble with her for being the go-between.”_

 

 _Takeshi had promised not to judge, the moment he realized exactly what was happening. He also knew this was a pattern in Yuuri’s life.Yuuri_ did _have a semblance of self-confidence, was the issue. He was highly competitive. He would throw something in your face just because you said he couldn’t do it, but he’d thrive if you believed in him when he needed you too._

 

_Takeshi hoped with everything in him that this would be the same.That maybe Yuuri was right, he’d made the right call, and that by supporting his choice he could come to his own conclusions (regardless of whether Yuuri decide he’d been wrong or right)._

 

_“Tell her to stop harassing him over Twitter.I’m sick of her meddling. He’s sick of her meddling.”_

 

_“Yeah…will do.”_

 

Katsuki Yuuri Announces Retirement

_Earlier today via Twitter, Katsuki Yuuri made the formal announcement that he would not be returning to competitive figure skating. Instead, he will be pursuing a potential career as part of Yakov Feltsman’s (former coach of Viktor Nikiforov and active coach of Yuri Plisetsky) staff.When asked if this was something permanent, Katsuki responded that for the time being he is willing to stay close to skating._

_This announcement comes as a shock after both an individual and team medal this past year where he shared the podium with teammate Minami Kenjirou (JPN) and Yuri Plisetsky (RUS)._

_“I had a great season and a wonderful career, but I am ready for the future. My greatest thanks to all of you.”_

_Many of us wonder if he is referring to a “future” with his husband Viktor Nikiforov-Katsuki following_ _marital disputes_ _,_ _threats of violence_ _, and_ _animal abuse accusations_ _earlier this year.Katsuki Yuuri, inquiring minds would like to know._

 

Yuuri hated press, with a burning passion. Even the simplest interviews spun at the end.These internet articles, brief though they were, were so much worse. Already, his family and friends were judging him. He really didn’t need the general public after him, too. 

 

He wondered idly what the comments were, but he shouldn’t even be reading the article. He had been strictly restricting himself from media attention like this.He didn’t want to go through the same period of constant anxiety he’d gone through in March and early-April. __

 

Yuri had texted him, asking if they could hang out that night.He had a feeling drinking would be involved, but he’d said yes anyways.

 

_“Vitya!”Yuuri shrieked at the surprise attack as he locked the door behind them.His screech broke off in giggles as fingers tickled his sides. Their night out had gone well, Mila and Georgi had both made appearances as well as their new pair skating rink mates.It had been nice, to be with their friends once more before things changed._

 

_And drinking with them was regretful as always._

 

_“‘M tired,”He laughed, good-naturedly as a raspberry was blown into his neck._

 

_Almost immediately, Viktor stiffened and backed off, looking upset._

 

_“What? What did I say?”_

 

_“You’re always tired.”He huffed. Yuuri could tell he was trying to sound playful, but the look on his face was anything but. It wasn’t intimidating, it wasn’t even really angry, just disappointed._

 

_“Not always!”Yuuri reached out to lace their fingers together and pulled him in for a proper kiss. “We’ve had sex a lot, I think.My head is just absolutely killing me already and we’re both probably not in a state to be doing that—ok…”_

 

_He felt a little guilty now and tried to think of a solution._

 

_“Ok…how about tomorrow?I can wake you up with a blowjob before our run.”_

 

_Viktor stared at him a moment and then turned away, walking to the closet to shed his coat._

 

_“It’s fine.Don’t worry about it.”_

 

_“Well now I’m worrying, what’s wrong?”_

 

_His heart sank a little. Viktor wasn’t normally this pushy when it came to sex. He wasn’t really sure what to do about it.In the past, something like what he’d offered would’ve left Viktor, well, not-angry. Blowjobs were his favourite, at least last Yuuri checked._

 

_“It’s stupid.”_

 

_“It’s not.”Yuuri assured gently.“What’s up, why are you angry with me?”_

 

_“I’m not!”Viktor snapped. “I’m not, ok?I just don’t really think you trust me.”_

 

_“What?”Yuuri walked over to put his own coat away and to pull Viktor into a gentle hug.“Of course I trust you.I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”_

 

_Oh.No, he knew exactly what this was about now._

 

_“Is this about the condom thing?”Yuuri pulled back, chewing his bottom lip. Viktor looked at the floor and Yuuri’s heart wasn’t so much sinking as it was drowning now.Viktor looking innocently at the floor was Viktor-speak for “yes” and he didn’t know what to say._

 

_“You don’t trust me.”_

 

_“I trust you, I just—“_

 

_“We never used to use them—“_

 

 _“We were married—we_ are _married—but we never…we’d gotten tested…_ before _…and now…”If Yuuri hadn’t known that Viktor hadn’t used protection before, he definitely knew when he got the apology. And, to be entirely fair, now the whole world was well aware. He wasn’t about to change something getting out like a headline of him with an STI leaking just because he chose to have sex with his cheating husband._

 

_“I’m clean, Yuuri.”_

 

_“You don’t know that.”He protested weakly. “You really don’t, you refuse to get tested again—“_

 

_“Because I’m fine!You’re just being a stereotype!”_

 

 _“A stereotype?”Yuuri snapped back.“Of_ what _? A gay husband?I’m sorry, but if I were a woman I’d also rather not be unprotected after—“_

 

_“It’s just a blowjob!”_

 

_“It’s still—I don’t want to do it!Ok?I don’t like using them either!You aren’t the only person in this relationship, Vitya, think for once!It’s not a punishment! I’m scared! I’m allowed to be scared!”_

 

_“It’s because you don’t trust me not to still be sleeping around!”Viktor shouted._

_Silence._

 

_“That’s not—“_

 

_He stopped himself, eyes wide._

 

_“Are you?”_

 

_Viktor’s teeth grinded the way Yuuri learned they did in the Kiss and Cry, the way he was when he’d done something wrong and was being berated for it…_

 

_Or how he was when he lost._

 

_“Oh my god…”. Yuuri blinked at him.His eyes were rapidly filling with tears, his chest was getting tighter as if he were going to slowly suffocate at the hands of his own anxiety. “Oh my god, you can’t be serious?”_

 

_“Yuuri—“_

 

_“Don’t touch me.”And Yuuri was brought back a time when it had been Viktor saying that.When he’d wanted to retire the first time._

 

_He was already halfway across the flat to the bedroom.He blindly packed whatever came into his hands first, but his vision was too clouded and his mind too foggy to really comprehend what he was going._

 

_“Yuuri, stop.”Viktor’s arms wrapping around him.“Please.”_

 

_“You’re having an affair.”Yuuri snapped and Viktor’s arms tightened.“Let go of me! I said—“_

 

_He tried wriggling in the grasp. Normally he was stronger than this, but he seriously felt lightheaded and his muscles were slow and unresponsive in turn._

 

_“I told everyone!”He choked on his tears._

 

I told everyone that you weren’t like that. I told them it was a mistake, that you hadn’t meant it. That you were working so hard. I told myself—they were all right. I’m so stupid. I shouldn’t have… I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid. I can’t do this right now. I need to get out. I can’t breathe.

 

_Viktor was the one who caught him when he fell because his legs couldn’t hold him up anymore. Drinking and anxiety, a great combination if his throbbing head was anything to judge by._

 

I suppose this is basically how we met.How fitting. 

 

_He didn’t have any friends to go to. He’d pushed them all away. He hadn’t spoken directly to Yakov in months and Lilia saw him for dance, but they didn’t talk anymore. Yuri…Yuri was a kid. He’d already been through this before and Yuuri couldn’t throw that on him. Mila and Georgi…maybe Georgi but he was out having fun still.He’d put in the effort to come back for a get-together, though. Maybe he still cared enough to…_

 

_No._

 

_No. No. No._

 

I retired. I took a job here so we didn’t have to move.I can’t believe this is happening. I do everything for you.

 

_He struggled to remember the last time, since forgiving Viktor the first time, that he’d made a decision entirely selfishly._

 

_He got up, finally struggling out of Viktor’s grasp and fighting for enough breath to function. He grabbed the pack he’d thrown together in a panic. He needed to get out._

 

_It was only then did he realize Viktor was still talking, his voice rising in decibel and octave as he worked himself into a panic.That brought some closure, at least, because as much as Viktor begging tore at him inside, it was nice to know he’d realized what he was doing._

 

_“Ow!”Yuuri found himself yanking his arm away with a shout, his wrist was going to bruise.Viktor tried to yank him back again.He opened his mouth to try and put words together._

 

Don’t kiss me, I don’t want to touch you. 

 

_He shoved away again, backing himself into the door.His hand was on the knob and it wasn’t like Viktor had him in a headlock, rationally he could leave._

 

Why do I still want to stay?

 

_Sentimentality, probably. Yuuri had always had issues with it.And giving up…for someone who nearly quit halfway through his career, he was awfully fond of fighting to win._

 

_And even though his mind couldn’t find a prize here, his heart was desperate to remain where it was._

 

_Makka was torn between getting in between them and keeping Mechta away, barking loudly to try and get their attention, to keep them away from each other.The puppy was cowering in the corner._

 

_“Vitya, you’re h-hurting me.”Yuuri warned carefully, trying to catch his breath. One hand was still on the knob, though it meant his arm was as a semi-awkward angle. “Vitya!”_

 

_Makka cut between them in a panic, knocking Yuuri enough off of his balance that he could have really injured his arm.He didn’t, it’d just be sore in the morning._

 

_Viktor let go just soon enough he didn’t drag Yuuri forward. Makka was now hysterically barking on the other side of them, looking between them with evident worry in her eyes._

 

“I’m sorry.”Yuri wasn’t making eye contact with him. He’d been forced to be seen at the hospital, but unfortunately his injuries weren’t severe enough for triage to prioritize them.

 

 _Injuries_.It was a bruised wrist and an arm he’d twisted himself.

 

Yuuri looked over at him.

 

“It’s not your fault.”

 

“Why does it feel like it is?”The younger’s voice cracked. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_.I shouldn’t have…I should have…I don’t know.Seen it.”

 

“Yuri, I was married to him and I didn’t know he was having another affair.”Yuuri rolled his eyes.It hadn’t all sunk in yet.It was like everything hit him at once during his panic, but now it was like nothing had happened. Or like his mind hadn’t caught up with the fact he was going to have to figure out where to live. 

 

Yuri made a disgusted sound.

 

“Yeah, but with the PT.I go there all the time. I should’ve seen it. I don’t know…”. He paused. “You don’t have to move into the dorms.”

 

Yakov had offered after everything had come out. 

 

The police had been called, again. This time there was absolutely no surprise, they were definitely louder this time. Yuuri had been in the hallway this time, when they had come, crying with a phone in his hands trying to figure out where to possibly go. 

 

“How long were you outside?”

 

Yuuri didn’t answer.

 

Maybe it had only been twenty minutes.Certainly, it hadn’t been an hour. He wasn’t sure, though, how long he’d been sitting there trying desperately to work out who to call.Every step of the way, his brain was telling him to keep it from certain people, to not admit his own failure, to not take advantage of them, to not ask for help after ignoring them for months. 

 

“And you did the,” Yuri gestured to his own neck.“Yourself?”

 

“I can’t breathe.”Yuuri said quietly.“When I have a panic attack, I can’t breathe. It makes me lightheaded, nauseous, and more panicked. Sometimes I’ll rub my neck or pull at the collar. It was me.”

 

Not that the police believed him, but the doctor’s would recognize it wasn’t inflicted by someone else.That was, if the redness hadn’t already died down.Yuuri had been privy to several really bad panic attacks in his life but he’d never bruised his own neck so he doubted that would start now. 

 

“You don’t have to move into the dorms.”Yuri repeated quietly, finally looking up.“I can move back in or I can move in with Yakov and Lilia again.You can take my place until you…”

 

The silence was uncomfortable. Neither of them knew what he was going to do next.He’d chosen his job to stay in the country and support Viktor, it wasn’t like he had a job to begin with now Yuuri had retired. He’d have to move, though.Would he have to pay for both apartments? Their funds were still entirely unseparated, but Viktor had some savings when they married. Yakov might not pay enough for him to keep himself afloat.Plus Viktor. Plus the dogs…

 

Oh…and the divorce, he supposed.That would cost a lot of money.

 

He didn’t want to do the math right now.

 

“Are you going to be ok?”The worry in the blond’s eyes made Yuuri’s heart break. He’d already said it, Yuri was still just a kid. He didn’t need to be dragged through this. He’d already gone through a nasty divorce as a child. This whole ordeal was probably bringing back memories he’d left behind.

 

_I don’t know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmmmm... who hates me?
> 
> I told one of my friends there would be closure here but I guess not really.
> 
> So...p.3 maybe...

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a part two and other people agreed...but part two is more than I thought it would be so it'll be in a few pieces.


End file.
